My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
