New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
