i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
โOn a breakโ is implied when itโs a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
