oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
