Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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