Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
