Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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