i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
