Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
