The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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