she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
