I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
