Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize