I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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