You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
nutella sex= disaster
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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