Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
