the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
