I think im going to throw up on grandma
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
