Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
