Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
