im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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