im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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