im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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