i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
