I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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