It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
