just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
