I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
