I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
