White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also, beer. Big fan.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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