guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
