My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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