mondays should just be called national damage control day
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
