I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
