Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
