I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
