Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
