4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
