My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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