Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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