Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You made out with two different species that night
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
