Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
