meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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