saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
