she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
