How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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