I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
