i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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