Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize