he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
