You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
