my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
