I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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