oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
