I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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