News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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